Truth or urban myth? Only Dan knows for sure.

The person who sent this to me got it from Dan. I don't know Dan, but I
like him.............

Dear Friends, My wife Kathy is fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch
this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
fancy.  (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for Kathy.

The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you
who are not
familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The
effects are
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant,
but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push
the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of these things
in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short,
I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.  Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we
don't
need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this
particular model wou ld not create an arch between the prongs. How
disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward
to.  I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop!!!  Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
have
yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty,
after
all.  But, if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the
time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause
muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.  All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about
5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who
know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there
alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't
do
it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the
circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
is like
hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad
decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't
ya
hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me
making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever
feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is

no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not
going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge
one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a re lative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little
I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been

shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an
ounce
or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.
Dan